There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
