Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Randomize
