You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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