I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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