and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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