Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
