As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
