If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
