there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
