The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
