i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize