it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
