You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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