I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
