i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
