I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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