I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
