my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
