i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
