It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
