Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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