Did you just see the Batmobile???
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
