just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
