what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
