a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
