if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
COCAINE IS GR8
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
