they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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