dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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