I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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