he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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