just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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