That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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