I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
