i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
