There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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