I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
