Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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