The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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