I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
