How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
pop tarts are not kleenex
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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