sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
