Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
