I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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