the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize