So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
