your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The air was thick with penises
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
