I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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