Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
