if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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