The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize