The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
