The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
