You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
