My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
