You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
