remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize